I’m so sorry, Readers, that I have not written to you in a while…I’ve been caught up with LIFE lately. My wedding is in less than a month, and I’ve recently had a very important person in my life pass away (more on that in another blog post). Along with work, fiance, dog, and the usual things, I’ve been extremely overwhelmed, sad, and just generally freaking out. And now, as I’m sitting at my desk trying to work, I’m literally in the middle of a mental break down because I think I might be too fat to get married.
Now, before all of my lovely fellow feminists come out and tell me that is just ridiculous, and I am beautiful, etc. etc., let me explain. Almost 1 year ago, Justin proposed to me, and it was beautiful and life was perfect. Approximately 1 day after the proposal, I started to freak out because I needed to lose at least 40 pounds in order to get down to the weight I should be for my wedding…I’m not brave enough to list my weight on the internet, but for reference, my BMI is squarely in the “obese” section, and even if I lost those 40 pounds I would still be “overweight”, so I’m not exactly looking to transform into a size 2.
Over the last year I have tried basically every weight loss idea you can think of…(1) tracking calories on MyFitness Pal, (2) signing up for personal training twice a week – not cheap, btw, (3) getting a Fitbit, (4) trying Hydroxycut, (5) trying a carb free diet, the list goes on and on…So far I have lost 10 pounds.
“10 pounds, you say? Well, that’s great! Good for you for losing weight!” – Kind Blog Readers
No, I’m sorry, but 10 pounds is just not what I needed to lose…And I say I worked at it, but honestly it’s so hard to lose weight. Throughout the last year, I kept thinking, well, I didn’t lose weight this week, at least there’s next Monday and I can start again…But it never worked! I just couldn’t stick with anything (other than the trainer because he was freaking expensive), and I eat too damn much. I can run farther, lift more, and workout longer than I could a year ago, but it hasn’t come through in my body measurements because my fat percentage is still so high.
Fast forward to today, where I made the mistake of wearing a sleeveless shirt to work without a cardigan, and I just feel SO HUGE. The way my arms squish down by my sides, and my belly hangs over my pants…Honestly, when I look in the mirror it doesn’t even look like me. It’s my face, but whose body is that??
So, now, unfortunately, my wedding is in just a couple weeks, and I have had my last dress fitting so I can’t lose any more weight. And I’m FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I keep thinking to myself, “Why…WHY did you have to get the strapless dress?? Why couldn’t you have gotten a big poofy dress with sleeves?? What were you thinking??”
Like, have you ever looked at wedding photos on blogs, the internet, Pinterest, magazines? Are any of those brides fat?? NO. This is just another area where I’ll never be the perfect Lauren Conrad bride, and I don’t think I can handle it.
The good news is that Justin thinks I’m beautiful, he loves my body, and he loves me. That should be enough, but I’m not strong enough or confident enough to rock that wedding dress on the big day. Does anyone have advice for me? I need to accept my body, but I feel like I don’t deserve to get married if I can’t even lose weight. Is this just me being nervous or is this a real concern that other brides have gone through? I could really use your help.
THANK YOU so much to everyone that has commented and responded to this post! Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer, but sometimes we all have bad days, and writing it out loud helps me think through everything. Since I wrote this post a week ago, I have been doing a lot of thinking (as well as looking at myself in the mirror), and I feel a lot better. A few things I’ve done…
- Justin held me and let me cry it all out, complaining about my weight and lack of weight loss. He continues every day to tell me I’m beautiful. Thank you for being there for me, Justin!
- Last week, I went to a pool party and hung out with friends. If I can be comfortable around my friends in a bathing suit, I can surely be comfortable surrounded by people I love in the most beautiful dress I will ever wear, right??
- While I was at said pool party, I got a bit of a tan, which made me feel a lot better about my arms, and made me look thinner in my opinion.
- I went jewelry shopping (!). Nothing makes a girl feel better than a new necklace and earrings for her big day.
Now I am feeling more confident, and I think I can deal with the weight I am going to be on my wedding day. I also read some REALLY GREAT articles about other brides who have struggled with their weight. If you are also looking to hear from some amazing ladies about how they dealt with being overweight on their wedding days, check out The Day I Decided to be a Fat Bride from Emily Hill and Why I Can’t Wait to be a Fat Bride by Lindy West. You ladies are such an inspiration!